My former sponsor Ric L. called me! It made me feel good because we had done alot of step work together and I learned from him the concept of unconditional love. He's not your average 12 stepper. We talked about where I was at and about this new blog I've created. He wondered why I had to focus so much on A.A. if it was about living without it. I tried to explain to him that after so many years of going to meetings it's going to have an effect, and not necessarily a good one if you decide to leave. In fact, if your entire support system and social system is built around A.A. like mine was then you are set up to fail if you leave. I get frustrated with the program, I leave and instantly, I have no social system or support system. I am alone. Suddenly the lonliness followed by despair sets in. I go to the bars because that is where I can meet other gay men. The drinking and empty one night stands begin. The lonliness intensifies. I find myself back in the hole of aloneness and despair and eventually go back to A.A. with my tail between my legs, only to begin the cycle of relapse all over again. But why did I leave A.A. in the first place given all of the percs? Because after 10 years of trying I simply cannot fully embrace this particular belief system. It would be the same if I were to join a Christian cult and in exchange for getting all of the wonderful cash and prizes, all I would have to do is accept Jesus Christ as my personal lord and savior and it would all be mine. Seductive, but if I am being honest with myself then no, I just can't do it. "Fake it till yo mke it" is still fake.
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