New Serenity Prayer

God grant me the serenity to accept the men I cannot change, courage to change the men I can, and the wisdom to know the difference.

Higher Power

The Search for Meaning.

Deprograming

Maybe I'll pull a geographic.

Manila sounds good right now.

Anger?

Do I sound Angry? I mean really, do I sound like I have anger issues? I seem to have pissed off more than a few people and this isn't even a public blog. And most of them seem to have a similar assessment: "gee, you seem really angry." Well, maybe I am. Maybe within the 5 stages of grief: denial, anger, barganing, depression and acceptance I am at stage 2. Indeed, I am grieving the loss of something I have loved but can no longer be true to myself if I stay.

One Year Chip (on my shoulder.)

This defining relapse of mine probably began a year ago. They say the relapse happens long before the drink, and on that I can agree. This past year it became increasingly difficult to ignore the fact that after 10 years of trying and 4 years 4 months and 24 days of continual sobriety, I just did not belong here. Was my relapse a moment where my "disease" suddenly took hold? Or was it just a way to finalize a deal that had already been done? Granted; finding myself doing lines of coke off the naked body of some hot blond boy in the darker recesses of L.A.s nightlife doesn't look good on paper; but if I was on the way out then that was the door I was busting down.

Transformation

"The road narrowed" And so did my space.

Diary of an A.A. Dropout 4

I just got off of the phone with my best friend Steven H. The conversation got a little heated as we discussed a mutual friend in the program who will no longer speak to me because I am no longer a member of A.A. This was extremely hurtful because I care deeply about this mutual friend. (I'll call him Pocahontas, since everyone thinks he's an Indian) and I got very pissed off when Steven seemed, In my mind to justify Pocahontas' behavior. He specifically said "well if I were in doubt I would err on the side of my sobriety.....he is just protecting his sobriety." Well needless to say, that put me over the edge. "Since when is Alcoholism contagious?" I asked. "Well, he's just being selfish..." Steven replied. As if that's a good thing. I know that there is the school of thought within Program that says "this is a selfish program." This is totally contrary to what my former sponsor taught us and also pointed out that the Big Book specifically says "...we believe that selfishness is the root of our problems..." to be continued.

All Are Welcome!

Diary of an A.A. Dropout 3

My former sponsor Ric L. called me! It made me feel good because we had done alot of step work together and I learned from him the concept of unconditional love. He's not your average 12 stepper. We talked about where I was at and about this new blog I've created. He wondered why I had to focus so much on A.A. if it was about living without it. I tried to explain to him that after so many years of going to meetings it's going to have an effect, and not necessarily a good one if you decide to leave. In fact, if your entire support system and social system is built around A.A. like mine was then you are set up to fail if you leave. I get frustrated with the program, I leave and instantly, I have no social system or support system. I am alone. Suddenly the lonliness followed by despair sets in. I go to the bars because that is where I can meet other gay men. The drinking and empty one night stands begin. The lonliness intensifies. I find myself back in the hole of aloneness and despair and eventually go back to A.A. with my tail between my legs, only to begin the cycle of relapse all over again. But why did I leave A.A. in the first place given all of the percs? Because after 10 years of trying I simply cannot fully embrace this particular belief system. It would be the same if I were to join a Christian cult and in exchange for getting all of the wonderful cash and prizes, all I would have to do is accept Jesus Christ as my personal lord and savior and it would all be mine. Seductive, but if I am being honest with myself then no, I just can't do it. "Fake it till yo mke it" is still fake.

Transferrence?

Many 12 steppers like to quote the "Big Book" the way many Christians quote the Bible: with the assumption that everything they've read is true.

Reach out to someone, anyone.

With or without A.A. you don't have to be alone.

Free Your Mind And The Rest Will Follow!

Judgement, not judgemental!

Hmmmmm.

It seems almost taboo!

Diary of an A.A. Dropout 2

It's early Thanksgiving morning and I've been waiting for a call from my ex-sponsor Rick L. which by now I guess will never come. It kind of feels like waiting for the ex-boyfriend to call after a messy breakup. I'm very sad. But I can't call him. There really isn't much for me to say. At this point I don't have the one requirement that would justify a conversation with him, which is the desire to stop drinking. Besides, the last time we talked I could hear the exasperation in his voice. After more than 10 years of my going in and out of the program he seemed as tired of lecturing me as I was tired of hearing it. We had come to an impasse and we both knew it. I finally realized that I had the best sponsor that A.A. had to offer and I still could not fully embrace the program. The gig was up.

Sobriety Test

Meeting Overload

If I had to go to one more meeting I would surely scream.

This too shall pass.

I think John Barleycorn was just depressed, lonely and desperately needed to get laid.

"Since Elementary School..."

I just got off the phone with my best friend since elementary school Stephen H. He has many years of sobriety and can rattle off 12 step dogma faster than the pope can ex-communicate a lesbian nun. He knew that I have been "out" since Holloween. He asked me how I was and I said "fine." Without hesitation he asked: "what's that acronym?" I assumed he meant Fucked up, Insecure, Neurotic and (I forget what the E stands for) but you get my point. Jokingly, but lovingly he wanted to point out where I should be by now, and if not for this blog and contact with others in my situation he would be absolutely right. I was irritated but decided to keep my cool. Afterall he was coming from what I believe was a place of love and concern. He offered me the only medicine that he had at his disposal: passages from the "Big Book", the "12 and 12", "As Bill Sees it", "Daily Reflections" and I think he even through a little "Grapevine" in there for good measure. Certainly I was dealing with a pro. If A.A. gave out Ph.D's he'd be a Nobel-lauriet. To his credit though, he finally listened and found the good in what I was trying to do. That is why we have been friends for so many years. He ALWAYS looks for the good. Hopefully, if you find yourself in my situation; questioning and searching, you will have a friend like him: unconditional, if not irritating.

Don't Go There.

This Ain't no excuse to use and kill yourself. Don't give (some of them) the satisfaction.

Outside Issue?

Just because I leave A.A. doesn't mean there is not much work for me to do. In fact I wanted to consider taking the easier softer way by staying in A.A. But then I realized that I had to be willing to shed many of the assumptions that I entered 12 step with and even more when I left.

Don't Drink and Fly!

Valley Girls

What would Neely O'Hara do?

Diary of an A.A. Drop-out.

The first thirty days of no A.A. is always the hardest; Especially when you have been doing this in and out gig for 10 years. 12 step recovery helps alot of people. God knows it helped me in many aspects of my life. But in this all or nothing world that Founder Bill Wilson and his followers have created, there is no room for questioning. No room for descent. "the disease of alcoholism is cunning, baffling and powerful." But so is A.A.

Is the program effective? Aparently yes, for 12% of the people who come through the doors. But what about the other 88% of us? Are we destined to Jails, institutions and death? If we allow this self fullfilling prophecy to materialize, then definately yes. But there is a third option. That option is Life. But how do we survive without A.A.? After 10 years of hearing "How it Works" at the begining of every meeting, It never occured to me to ask WHY it works.

Well, there are three essential elements of A.A. that we must take with us when and if we decide to jump ship. Those are: 1. Developing and maintaining a spiritual path. 2. Creating a support system that you can rely on. 3. Being of service to others. Surely your now ex-sponsor will ask: "If that's the case then why don't you just stay?" The answer is that A.A. does not have a monopoly on spirituality, support systems and service to others. Talking to most twelve steppers you would think these concepts were invented in A.A. when in fact these are concepts which are universal to any religion or spiritual philosophy.

My First Meeting

Powerless!

I'd stand up as a New-comer for just one night with him.

Moment of Clarity?

"Whadaya mean they don't serve Burbon at A.A. Meetins?"