tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-86347967185475386012024-02-19T17:12:43.488-08:00Third OptionAlcoholics Anonymous has a 12% success rate. What about the other 88% of us? Most 12 steppers believe if you leave "The Program" you will surely die. AA or Death. I believe however that there is a third option: Life. "The only requirement for membership is the desire to continue growing."Ric P.http://www.blogger.com/profile/07300693169883041463noreply@blogger.comBlogger31125tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-8634796718547538601.post-90325388814463827652006-12-21T22:17:00.000-08:002006-12-21T22:20:05.344-08:00New Serenity Prayer<a href="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEiWPO7qhFJTu83WOB5g5j1f99QZtZMfHyqGD-gTFXf6PD_ZDQqGLXLakK9nUWSE2Y8IP7ZTczajgPXnR4Dcr7QXOUMyGo5xHEOGQtyFAltHhINUa8S6vLoMfF9tZ68rDyo17_C3Tb1TPP-S/s1600-h/andligt-buddah.jpg"><img style="float:left; margin:0 10px 10px 0;cursor:pointer; cursor:hand;" src="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEiWPO7qhFJTu83WOB5g5j1f99QZtZMfHyqGD-gTFXf6PD_ZDQqGLXLakK9nUWSE2Y8IP7ZTczajgPXnR4Dcr7QXOUMyGo5xHEOGQtyFAltHhINUa8S6vLoMfF9tZ68rDyo17_C3Tb1TPP-S/s400/andligt-buddah.jpg" border="0" alt=""id="BLOGGER_PHOTO_ID_5011231558312970466" /></a><br />God grant me the serenity to accept the men I cannot change, courage to change the men I can, and the wisdom to know the difference.Ric P.http://www.blogger.com/profile/07300693169883041463noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-8634796718547538601.post-46028596235730035712006-12-21T22:13:00.000-08:002006-12-21T22:15:56.828-08:00Higher Power<a href="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEhe38mYwGwWe_et7anjQ6eHcbpMmo4Kcqe-nrgZ-7iLYgGVE4BXcZ8Bhzy9CDksUAMWAmnshZWurakV8XUCK6BYN1VSaGo24V64EmqgCnjXohmGG4Pw_QGfq9Gijp1kU1FRvjgdTCAyZDTb/s1600-h/162487976ABeHxA_fs.jpg"><img style="float:left; margin:0 10px 10px 0;cursor:pointer; cursor:hand;" src="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEhe38mYwGwWe_et7anjQ6eHcbpMmo4Kcqe-nrgZ-7iLYgGVE4BXcZ8Bhzy9CDksUAMWAmnshZWurakV8XUCK6BYN1VSaGo24V64EmqgCnjXohmGG4Pw_QGfq9Gijp1kU1FRvjgdTCAyZDTb/s400/162487976ABeHxA_fs.jpg" border="0" alt=""id="BLOGGER_PHOTO_ID_5011230987082320082" /></a>Ric P.http://www.blogger.com/profile/07300693169883041463noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-8634796718547538601.post-76036064570965808962006-12-01T16:05:00.000-08:002006-12-01T16:07:36.554-08:00The Search for Meaning.<a href="http://photos1.blogger.com/x/blogger2/4777/1054052333807072/1600/658631/4551a12d6d97cll.jpg"><img style="float:left; margin:0 10px 10px 0;cursor:pointer; cursor:hand;" src="http://photos1.blogger.com/x/blogger2/4777/1054052333807072/400/623739/4551a12d6d97cll.jpg" border="0" alt="" /></a>Ric P.http://www.blogger.com/profile/07300693169883041463noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-8634796718547538601.post-64243821471656477052006-12-01T15:58:00.000-08:002006-12-01T15:59:58.216-08:00Deprograming<a href="http://photos1.blogger.com/x/blogger2/4777/1054052333807072/1600/889462/pedrovirgil5.jpg"><img style="float:left; margin:0 10px 10px 0;cursor:pointer; cursor:hand;" src="http://photos1.blogger.com/x/blogger2/4777/1054052333807072/400/369605/pedrovirgil5.jpg" border="0" alt="" /></a><br /><a href="http://photos1.blogger.com/x/blogger2/4777/1054052333807072/1600/402886/pedrovirgil1.jpg"><img style="float:left; margin:0 10px 10px 0;cursor:pointer; cursor:hand;" src="http://photos1.blogger.com/x/blogger2/4777/1054052333807072/400/273595/pedrovirgil1.jpg" border="0" alt="" /></a>Ric P.http://www.blogger.com/profile/07300693169883041463noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-8634796718547538601.post-64856009175922565622006-11-30T02:16:00.000-08:002006-11-30T02:19:51.332-08:00Maybe I'll pull a geographic.<a href="http://photos1.blogger.com/x/blogger2/4777/1054052333807072/1600/411067/441makaticity-byjohnchua.jpg"><img style="display:block; margin:0px auto 10px; text-align:center;cursor:pointer; cursor:hand;" src="http://photos1.blogger.com/x/blogger2/4777/1054052333807072/400/267405/441makaticity-byjohnchua.jpg" border="0" alt="" /></a><br /><strong></strong><br />Manila sounds good right now.Ric P.http://www.blogger.com/profile/07300693169883041463noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-8634796718547538601.post-54607098751721502932006-11-29T02:13:00.000-08:002006-11-29T02:22:35.843-08:00Anger?<a href="http://photos1.blogger.com/x/blogger2/4777/1054052333807072/1600/694119/Imelda.jpg"><img style="display:block; margin:0px auto 10px; text-align:center;cursor:pointer; cursor:hand;" src="http://photos1.blogger.com/x/blogger2/4777/1054052333807072/400/740133/Imelda.jpg" border="0" alt="" /></a><br />Do I sound Angry? I mean really, do I sound like I have anger issues? I seem to have pissed off more than a few people and this isn't even a public blog. And most of them seem to have a similar assessment: "gee, you seem really angry." Well, maybe I am. Maybe within the 5 stages of grief: denial, anger, barganing, depression and acceptance I am at stage 2. Indeed, I am grieving the loss of something I have loved but can no longer be true to myself if I stay.Ric P.http://www.blogger.com/profile/07300693169883041463noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-8634796718547538601.post-29155442627732839752006-11-28T01:44:00.000-08:002006-11-28T02:02:53.471-08:00One Year Chip (on my shoulder.)<a href="http://photos1.blogger.com/blogger2/4777/1054052333807072/1600/medallion.0.jpg"><img style="display:block; margin:0px auto 10px; text-align:center;cursor:pointer; cursor:hand;" src="http://photos1.blogger.com/blogger2/4777/1054052333807072/400/medallion.0.jpg" border="0" alt="" /></a><br />This defining relapse of mine probably began a year ago. They say the relapse happens long before the drink, and on that I can agree. This past year it became increasingly difficult to ignore the fact that after 10 years of trying and 4 years 4 months and 24 days of continual sobriety, I just did not belong here. Was my relapse a moment where my "disease" suddenly took hold? Or was it just a way to finalize a deal that had already been done? Granted; finding myself doing lines of coke off the naked body of some hot blond boy in the darker recesses of L.A.s nightlife doesn't look good on paper; but if I was on the way out then that was the door I was busting down.Ric P.http://www.blogger.com/profile/07300693169883041463noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-8634796718547538601.post-47113795690683694562006-11-28T01:34:00.000-08:002006-11-30T02:15:41.394-08:00Transformation<a href="http://photos1.blogger.com/x/blogger2/4777/1054052333807072/1600/358398/p4020205.jpg"><img style="float:left; margin:0 10px 10px 0;cursor:pointer; cursor:hand;" src="http://photos1.blogger.com/x/blogger2/4777/1054052333807072/400/872056/p4020205.jpg" border="0" alt="" /></a>Ric P.http://www.blogger.com/profile/07300693169883041463noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-8634796718547538601.post-1383113104133845912006-11-28T01:30:00.000-08:002006-11-28T01:33:34.347-08:00"The road narrowed" And so did my space.<a href="http://photos1.blogger.com/blogger2/4777/1054052333807072/1600/man1image1tu6.jpg"><img style="display:block; margin:0px auto 10px; text-align:center;cursor:pointer; cursor:hand;" src="http://photos1.blogger.com/blogger2/4777/1054052333807072/400/man1image1tu6.jpg" border="0" alt="" /></a>Ric P.http://www.blogger.com/profile/07300693169883041463noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-8634796718547538601.post-78400693488130388152006-11-25T19:26:00.000-08:002006-11-25T19:27:22.197-08:00<a href="http://photos1.blogger.com/x/blogger2/4777/1054052333807072/1600/505877/606a6focus_1.jpg"><img style="DISPLAY: block; MARGIN: 0px auto 10px; CURSOR: hand; TEXT-ALIGN: center" alt="" src="http://photos1.blogger.com/x/blogger2/4777/1054052333807072/400/572090/606a6focus_1.jpg" border="0" /></a><br /><div></div>Ric P.http://www.blogger.com/profile/07300693169883041463noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-8634796718547538601.post-44851552522577658662006-11-25T15:31:00.000-08:002006-11-28T01:40:51.314-08:00Diary of an A.A. Dropout 4<a href="http://photos1.blogger.com/x/blogger2/4777/1054052333807072/1600/625249/WhateverHappenedToBabyJane1962_WP_300x225_042420061545.jpg"><img style="FLOAT: left; MARGIN: 0px 10px 10px 0px; CURSOR: hand" alt="" src="http://photos1.blogger.com/x/blogger2/4777/1054052333807072/400/931276/WhateverHappenedToBabyJane1962_WP_300x225_042420061545.jpg" border="0" /></a><br /><div><br /><br />I just got off of the phone with my best friend Steven H. The conversation got a little heated as we discussed a mutual friend in the program who will no longer speak to me because I am no longer a member of A.A. This was extremely <span class="blsp-spelling-corrected" id="SPELLING_ERROR_0">hurtful</span> because I care deeply about this mutual friend. (I'll call him <span class="blsp-spelling-corrected" id="SPELLING_ERROR_1">Pocahontas</span>, since everyone thinks he's an Indian) and I got very pissed off when Steven seemed, In my mind to justify <span class="blsp-spelling-corrected" id="SPELLING_ERROR_2">Pocahontas'</span> behavior. He specifically said "well if I were in doubt I would err on the side of my sobriety.....he is just protecting his sobriety." Well needless to say, that put me over the edge. "Since when is Alcoholism contagious?" I asked. "Well, he's just being selfish..." Steven replied. As if that's a good thing. I know that there is the school of thought within Program that says "this is a selfish program." This is totally contrary to what my former sponsor taught us and also pointed out that the Big Book specifically says "...we believe that selfishness is the root of our problems..." <em>to be continued.</em></div>Ric P.http://www.blogger.com/profile/07300693169883041463noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-8634796718547538601.post-55665532582425499512006-11-25T04:56:00.000-08:002006-11-25T05:14:50.430-08:00All Are Welcome!<a href="http://photos1.blogger.com/x/blogger2/4777/1054052333807072/1600/266215/dd83.jpg"><img style="FLOAT: left; MARGIN: 0px 10px 10px 0px; CURSOR: hand" alt="" src="http://photos1.blogger.com/x/blogger2/4777/1054052333807072/400/412177/dd83.jpg" border="0" /></a><br /><div></div>Ric P.http://www.blogger.com/profile/07300693169883041463noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-8634796718547538601.post-69023143568113663772006-11-24T14:57:00.000-08:002006-11-24T15:30:28.532-08:00Diary of an A.A. Dropout 3<a href="http://photos1.blogger.com/x/blogger2/4777/1054052333807072/1600/306990/4551a12d6d97c.jpg"><img style="FLOAT: right; MARGIN: 0px 0px 10px 10px; CURSOR: hand" alt="" src="http://photos1.blogger.com/x/blogger2/4777/1054052333807072/400/990210/4551a12d6d97c.jpg" border="0" /></a><br /><div>My former sponsor Ric L. called me! It made me feel good because we had done alot of step work together and I learned from him the concept of unconditional love. He's not your average 12 stepper. We talked about where I was at and about this new blog I've created. He wondered why I had to focus so much on A.A. if it was about living without it. I tried to explain to him that after so many years of going to meetings it's going to have an effect, and not necessarily a good one if you decide to leave. In fact, if your entire support system and social system is built around A.A. like mine was then you are set up to fail if you leave. I get frustrated with the program, I leave and instantly, I have no social system or support system. I am alone. Suddenly the lonliness followed by despair sets in. I go to the bars because that is where I can meet other gay men. The drinking and empty one night stands begin. The lonliness intensifies. I find myself back in the hole of aloneness and despair and eventually go back to A.A. with my tail between my legs, only to begin the cycle of relapse all over again. But why did I leave A.A. in the first place given all of the percs? Because after 10 years of trying I simply cannot fully embrace this particular belief system. It would be the same if I were to join a Christian cult and in exchange for getting all of the wonderful cash and prizes, all I would have to do is accept Jesus Christ as my personal lord and savior and it would all be mine. Seductive, but if I am being honest with myself then no, I just can't do it. "Fake it till yo mke it" is still fake.</div>Ric P.http://www.blogger.com/profile/07300693169883041463noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-8634796718547538601.post-52188403160342808202006-11-24T14:36:00.000-08:002006-11-24T14:41:00.918-08:00Transferrence?<a href="http://photos1.blogger.com/x/blogger2/4777/1054052333807072/1600/160329/b-1_4th_low.jpg"><img style="FLOAT: right; MARGIN: 0px 0px 10px 10px; CURSOR: hand" alt="" src="http://photos1.blogger.com/x/blogger2/4777/1054052333807072/400/347513/b-1_4th_low.jpg" border="0" /></a><br /><div><a href="http://photos1.blogger.com/x/blogger2/4777/1054052333807072/1600/688072/holy_bible.jpg"><img style="FLOAT: left; MARGIN: 0px 10px 10px 0px; CURSOR: hand" alt="" src="http://photos1.blogger.com/x/blogger2/4777/1054052333807072/400/736244/holy_bible.jpg" border="0" /></a><br /><br /><div>Many 12 steppers like to quote the "Big Book" the way many Christians quote the Bible: with the assumption that everything they've read is true.</div></div>Ric P.http://www.blogger.com/profile/07300693169883041463noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-8634796718547538601.post-84898056107820637742006-11-24T02:08:00.000-08:002006-11-24T02:12:06.972-08:00Reach out to someone, anyone.<a href="http://photos1.blogger.com/x/blogger2/4777/1054052333807072/1600/224453/alcoholic.jpg"><img style="FLOAT: left; MARGIN: 0px 10px 10px 0px; CURSOR: hand" alt="" src="http://photos1.blogger.com/x/blogger2/4777/1054052333807072/400/252553/alcoholic.jpg" border="0" /></a><br /><div>With or without A.A. you don't have to be alone.</div>Ric P.http://www.blogger.com/profile/07300693169883041463noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-8634796718547538601.post-79047654303063601132006-11-23T23:56:00.000-08:002006-11-24T02:27:49.978-08:00Ric P.http://www.blogger.com/profile/07300693169883041463noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-8634796718547538601.post-75573085163782503332006-11-23T02:36:00.000-08:002006-11-23T02:41:20.528-08:00Free Your Mind And The Rest Will Follow!<div align="justify"><a href="http://photos1.blogger.com/x/blogger2/4777/1054052333807072/1600/622088/meth.jpg"><img style="FLOAT: left; MARGIN: 0px 10px 10px 0px; CURSOR: hand" alt="" src="http://photos1.blogger.com/x/blogger2/4777/1054052333807072/400/770662/meth.jpg" border="0" /></a> Judgement, not judgemental!</div>Ric P.http://www.blogger.com/profile/07300693169883041463noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-8634796718547538601.post-25660624389174593292006-11-23T02:29:00.000-08:002006-11-23T02:33:48.243-08:00Hmmmmm.<a href="http://photos1.blogger.com/x/blogger2/4777/1054052333807072/1600/814429/8166472.jpg"><img style="float:left; margin:0 10px 10px 0;cursor:pointer; cursor:hand;" src="http://photos1.blogger.com/x/blogger2/4777/1054052333807072/400/270138/8166472.jpg" border="0" alt="" /></a> It seems almost taboo!Ric P.http://www.blogger.com/profile/07300693169883041463noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-8634796718547538601.post-6964824994954545752006-11-23T01:38:00.000-08:002006-11-23T01:58:13.337-08:00Diary of an A.A. Dropout 2<a href="http://photos1.blogger.com/x/blogger2/4777/1054052333807072/1600/191974/4551a12d6d97c.jpg"><img style="float:left; margin:0 10px 10px 0;cursor:pointer; cursor:hand;" src="http://photos1.blogger.com/x/blogger2/4777/1054052333807072/400/882395/4551a12d6d97c.jpg" border="0" alt="" /></a><br />It's early Thanksgiving morning and I've been waiting for a call from my ex-sponsor Rick L. which by now I guess will never come. It kind of feels like waiting for the ex-boyfriend to call after a messy breakup. I'm very sad. But I can't call him. There really isn't much for me to say. At this point I don't have the one requirement that would justify a conversation with him, which is the desire to stop drinking. Besides, the last time we talked I could hear the exasperation in his voice. After more than 10 years of my going in and out of the program he seemed as tired of lecturing me as I was tired of hearing it. We had come to an impasse and we both knew it. I finally realized that I had the best sponsor that A.A. had to offer and I still could not fully embrace the program. The gig was up.Ric P.http://www.blogger.com/profile/07300693169883041463noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-8634796718547538601.post-328454642522596712006-11-23T01:30:00.000-08:002006-11-23T01:33:13.353-08:00Sobriety Test<a href="http://photos1.blogger.com/x/blogger2/4777/1054052333807072/1600/817787/sobriety.jpg"><img style="float:left; margin:0 10px 10px 0;cursor:pointer; cursor:hand;" src="http://photos1.blogger.com/x/blogger2/4777/1054052333807072/400/694527/sobriety.jpg" border="0" alt="" /></a>Ric P.http://www.blogger.com/profile/07300693169883041463noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-8634796718547538601.post-84965068654565620322006-11-22T19:40:00.000-08:002006-11-24T01:44:44.335-08:00Meeting Overload<a href="http://photos1.blogger.com/x/blogger2/4777/1054052333807072/1600/547083/noaaman2.jpg"><img style="FLOAT: left; MARGIN: 0px 10px 10px 0px; CURSOR: hand" alt="" src="http://photos1.blogger.com/x/blogger2/4777/1054052333807072/400/627553/noaaman2.jpg" border="0" /></a><br /><div><span style="color:#ccffff;">If I had to go to one more meeting I would surely scream.</span></div>Ric P.http://www.blogger.com/profile/07300693169883041463noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-8634796718547538601.post-2967095272060254172006-11-22T17:25:00.000-08:002006-11-25T16:07:49.345-08:00This too shall pass.<a href="http://photos1.blogger.com/x/blogger2/4777/1054052333807072/1600/587381/Alcoholics_Anonymous_by_write_the_wrongs.jpg"><img style="FLOAT: left; MARGIN: 0px 10px 10px 0px; CURSOR: hand" alt="" src="http://photos1.blogger.com/x/blogger2/4777/1054052333807072/400/640853/Alcoholics_Anonymous_by_write_the_wrongs.jpg" border="0" /></a><br /><div>I think John Barleycorn was just depressed, lonely and <span class="blsp-spelling-corrected" id="SPELLING_ERROR_0">desperately</span> needed to get laid. </div>Ric P.http://www.blogger.com/profile/07300693169883041463noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-8634796718547538601.post-51717325050279316472006-11-22T17:08:00.000-08:002006-11-23T02:02:19.404-08:00"Since Elementary School..."I just got off the phone with my best friend since elementary school Stephen H. He has many years of sobriety and can rattle off 12 step dogma faster than the pope can ex-communicate a lesbian nun. He knew that I have been "out" since Holloween. He asked me how I was and I said "fine." Without hesitation he asked: "what's that acronym?" I assumed he meant Fucked up, Insecure, Neurotic and (I forget what the E stands for) but you get my point. Jokingly, but lovingly he wanted to point out where I should be by now, and if not for this blog and contact with others in my situation he would be absolutely right. I was irritated but decided to keep my cool. Afterall he was coming from what I believe was a place of love and concern. He offered me the only medicine that he had at his disposal: passages from the "Big Book", the "12 and 12", "As Bill Sees it", "Daily Reflections" and I think he even through a little "Grapevine" in there for good measure. Certainly I was dealing with a pro. If A.A. gave out Ph.D's he'd be a Nobel-lauriet. To his credit though, he finally listened and found the good in what I was trying to do. That is why we have been friends for so many years. He ALWAYS looks for the good. Hopefully, if you find yourself in my situation; questioning and searching, you will have a friend like him: unconditional, if not irritating.Ric P.http://www.blogger.com/profile/07300693169883041463noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-8634796718547538601.post-39751199509152002692006-11-22T17:03:00.000-08:002006-11-22T17:35:27.278-08:00Don't Go There.<a href="http://photos1.blogger.com/x/blogger2/4777/1054052333807072/1600/359896/crystal_meth_1.jpg"><img style="float:left; margin:0 10px 10px 0;cursor:pointer; cursor:hand;" src="http://photos1.blogger.com/x/blogger2/4777/1054052333807072/400/382708/crystal_meth_1.jpg" border="0" alt="" /></a><br />This Ain't no excuse to use and kill yourself. Don't give (<em>some of them</em>) the satisfaction.Ric P.http://www.blogger.com/profile/07300693169883041463noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-8634796718547538601.post-50631626914641473542006-11-22T16:06:00.000-08:002006-11-22T16:13:29.562-08:00Outside Issue?<a href="http://photos1.blogger.com/x/blogger2/4777/1054052333807072/1600/128982/depression%20takes%20over%20%28nyt%20vituttaa%29-2.jpg"><img style="float:left; margin:0 10px 10px 0;cursor:pointer; cursor:hand;" src="http://photos1.blogger.com/x/blogger2/4777/1054052333807072/400/913677/depression%20takes%20over%20%28nyt%20vituttaa%29-2.jpg" border="0" alt="" /></a><br /><br />Just because I leave A.A. doesn't mean there is not much work for me to do. In fact I wanted to consider taking the easier softer way by staying in A.A. But then I realized that I had to be willing to shed many of the assumptions that I entered 12 step with and even more when I left.Ric P.http://www.blogger.com/profile/07300693169883041463noreply@blogger.com0